Just Some Recent Depression

[Dark Chaos Angel]

I don't really know the point of this. I'm usurally pretty good at venting but I'm pretty blank this time.

This morning I completely lost sight of what I treasure and with it all my morals beliefs. I have a very strong moral belief system. When I lose sight of them I lose sight of who I am. Then I act like the biggest asshole ever! Not caring about anyone's feelings or my own life. Felling ready to throw everything away! It's a terrible mood I get in sometimes where I hate all of life with a burning passion and all I want to do is cause destruction.

So much differnt from who i always try to be. I work so so damn hard to be a good person and be morally just. To always do the right thing and try to make everyone around me happy. I never expect a reward or I wonder if that is a lie and the only reason I try so hard to be a good person is because I want to be be able to deserve a certain prize. Then if I put all this work in and never get the prize or my natural goodness is unnoticed ends up hurting me instead then my much darker side comes out.

I'm naturally a dark person. I love light too but I fight a certain beauty and art in darkness (The character quiz on my MySpace is SO accurate!). But when my depression is channled into anger at the world something much more darker and monsterious comes out of me. I'm afried that the side will end up hurting my friends and I couldn't live with myself if it did.

Maybe I'm looking too into things and they aren't as bad as they seem but i'm worried after my actions and thoughts this morning, it's not the first time and it never has positive effects on my mind. I hope everything works out for me. There is a certain somebody who makes me feel better and happy inside. I want to stay happy and not be consumed by my ASH (Anger, Sadness, Hate).

[PhantomZero]

Is that "person" Russell Peters (The one that makes you happy)? >_>

Sorry. I meant Jakey?

Neways, I know how you feel. I do. Hmmm.... Back to cleaning my bookshelf.

[Jakey]

And this is why I feel bad - Im not over there to provide for my friends. (I promise I'll update a fuller post in the morn when I'm not on my psp and less tired)

[Jakey]

*back for full update*

I completely understand you on this one Kevin. I am much like that myself.
I too have a strong moral belief system, I know what is right and wrong from what I believe to be right and wrong. And I can empathise with you when you say that when you lose sight of morals you lose sight of yourself. It's as if you realise that all you had worked so hard to believe in all your lofe is suddenly wrong, and that you feel that life has been a lie to you. But you must realise that it is only you lying to yourself, shrouding the truth in the darkness (with the ASH) - please believe me on this one.

And I can also understand when you say you are trying so hard to make sure that you do things right, trying to make everyone else happy, and then get nothing out of it.
now, i may just be strange, but the satisfaction the other people have when I do something for them is a gift enough for me. The only thing I 'expect' from them when I do stuff for them is to be happy that i did it. And I could understand when you say that you feel as if you had nothing recieved - its as if they are taking advantage of your good willed nature, and almost "using you" to do what they want because they realise that you do a lot. I have myself been through this, so I generally only go out of my way to do stuff for my friends and not really random strangers (although I still do, just not as much as my freinds).

I'm not sure whether I am a naturally dark person, but i know I have a darker side. I mean, I have spent so many years (from basically since I was a child to like 12 or 13) bottling up all my feelings of ASH (as you so rightfully coined), and then when someone really ticked me off it just used to explode, all of it. You're sick and tired of being the one at the centre of all the jokes, sick and tured of being the one people can feel that they can take advantage of, that it just snaps. This I know too well... But from 13 onwards I have learned to find ways to release my bottled-up feelings slowly and I feel much more relaxed with who I am today. (I also understand your love of the darkness as an artistic thing, I myself adore its mysteriousness and many other things about it).

Do not worry, you can never look into thinfg too deeply. And - whoever this special person that keeps you happy is (I guess Darcy) - I'm sure that he or she or it will help you through your troubled times, as well as all of your other friends. although it may not seem like it at times, they are all there for you.

*hope that helped*

[Dark Chaos Angel]

**EXHALT**

I was getting pissed off! I thought no one would reply. I love you! You are so right and understanding of me!

Same feelings, same faces, same souls, same Galerians! LOL sorry that is a quote from Galerians, just had to say it. Sadly ASH too is from Galerians, I wish I had coined it because I use it a lot!

But yes I too take joy in just seeing other's happy. I do too feel hurt when I'm used though. I guess what I was somewhat vague on was this. I always feel as if I'm not good enough to be loved. That if I want to be loved then I need to do good deeds and karma will do the rest. Yet despite how much good I did, girls still disliked me. I felt as if I wasn't good enough or I did something bad.

I guess I don't need to hide things like that. Now that I have finally found love after this damn brutal lifetime of disapointments and suffering. Now that I have found love I believe I can be truely happy. For that, no words can describe my gratitude! I would die for this girl, she completes my life.

[Jakey]

Why thank you!
...Oh wait. A girl. Nvm then XD

Yeah, this just goes to prove that we are really one person in two seperate universes.

[PhantomZero]

I guess it's hard for me to understand this as I don't really have a moral belief system. I just do what I do.... However, I can understand what you mean by...

"I would die for this girl, she completes my life."

I have a girl like that... And surprise surprise, she's not Asian. since when did all Asians have to have Asian girlfriends eh? >_>

[Jakey]

I wasn't aware they had to :S

[Nanaki~*]

i act happy. i prefer not to talk about my feelings... cuz they pretty dark... it only makes people worry...